What do you eat at a San Francisco orgy? Caterers describe the spread

“There’s a joke, that it’s not a sex party unless there’s a cheese plate,” says JessJess, founder of Beyond the Rainbow Events, which hosts Bay Area kink parties.

Indeed, if you find yourself at one of the Bay Area’s many, many orgies — which often last twelve hours or even stretch across entire weekends — the odds are good that at some point you’ll stumble, weak-kneed, toward a food table in search of sustenance and there be greeted by a platter of cold cuts. Because as much as mood lighting, ample lube, and pounding DJ music are staples of a good orgy, so is a well-thought-out snack situation. 

Bay Area orgy food “has become more elevated because we have more foodies,” said Bridget, a 44-year-old local caterer, who regularly feeds the region’s kinky diners. “People have expectations about the quality of play party food.”

Where once a casual Costco platter might have sufficed, today, a growing number of orgy-goers expect a higher caliber of consumables. “I want the salami, the fruits, the cheeses all to be high quality. I prefer a more gourmet charcuterie plate,” said Chesed, co-host of the Slutstack podcast and newsletter.

Food at an orgy might sound at first like an oddity. But the dozens of orgy organizers and participants The Standard interviewed emphasized that you must have food at an orgy. Sure, sometimes the food itself can be incorporated in the play — heck, two of The Kama Sutra’s seven books detail the aphrodisiac qualities of food. But catering an orgy really comes down to fulfilling primal needs: Sexercise makes you hungry. 

“It’s important for sustained energy,” said Chesed. “People stay for a while and they get hungry. Plus, they want something to do if they’re taking a break.”

When thinking about how best to feed orgy-goers, caterers and play-party planners have to consider everything from the pacing to the availability of protein to the smell and mess of the cuisine. The food needs to be helpful, not distracting or, at the worst, gross. 

William Winters, founder of the 2,000-member Bonobo Network, a Bay Area members-only sex-positive community, says charcuterie boards are a must because people enjoy them, and they are a fast-protein packed way to refuel. 

Winters quickly learned to stagger food at play parties rather than putting everything out in a big buffet. “If you put it out too early, everyone just piles around the snack table and forgets to flirt,” he said.

DJ Retronym, a 36-year-old Oakland-based techie and orgy DJ, has observed similar behavior. “There’s always mingling around the charcuterie board,” he said. But sometimes the food becomes the main attraction; at one party, people were snacking and chatting, not shagging. “I had to make a quick change to the music,” he recalled, which got the party restarted. 

Timed correctly, food breaks can provide a nice interlude between encounters. “Food can be grounding. And it changes the tempo — it lets people rest, reset, reconnect,” Winters said. He particularly loves to provide salmon filets as a midnight snack. “I prepare them, and serve them after the first round of fucking,” he said.

“You get some protein, some fats, it’s a good idea … people would be having sex, and then come into the kitchen in robes and eat midnight salmon. It’s a moment.”

This kind of pacing requires careful planning. Bridget spent six months designing the menu for a 300-person “Caring for Your Body” play party at an East Bay mansion. She “chose foods that were heavy in nutrients,” she said, noting that everything was handmade and organic.  

The menu included a riff on vegetables a la grecque, with veggies blanched in seasoned wine vinegar, then briefly broiled to add texture while keeping their crunch. Other dishes included smoked salmon served with dill, pecans, and honey, sweet potato rolls, and cucumber rounds. They were plated on risers atop high-thread-count linens. It took her and four assistants two full days to prepare. 

As with DJs who work orgies, there’s a voyeurism involved in catering them too. “It’s wild to watch the sea of undulating bodies,” Bridget said. “People approached the food table looking drunk on pleasure. They grab a bite, and then return to playing.”

Though the play might get messy, the food should not, Bridget continued. “People don’t realize how gross people are with food,” she said, reflecting on the many weddings she’s catered. She’s seen people leave dirty plates next to clean ones and double dip their forks. “If they’ll do that at weddings, who knows what they’ll do at a sex party.” 

To address this, she rolls her charcuterie meats into tight curls. “It’s more hygienic, she said, “but also looks more elevated.” 

JessJess has a simple rule: “You always want to have utensils so you’re not spreading germs.” 

When it comes to food and sex some basic etiquette rules are obvious: Don’t serve food that’s dry or hard to eat or requires a million napkins. “No one wants to eat a dried pretzel off someone’s nipple,” said DJ Retronym. A strawberry compote would be significantly more “fun to lick off a body,” he said.

While presentation and method of delivery matter, so, too, does portability. “I wouldn’t want a bowl of pasta or soup at an orgy,” said Pandora, the other co-host of the Slutstack Substack, who regularly organizes underground orgies.

There are exceptions, she added, noting she recently ate deep dish pizza at a Red Means No orgy, hosted by Bay Area sex researcher Aella. “It was kind of messy to eat. Don’t do that.”  

Other food choices are less about etiquette and more about biology. “We avoid things like hummus that have a lot of garlic in them,” said Pandora. “We also want to avoid anything that could cause stomach distress, like lots of dairy or beans.”

“No soup or stinky cheeses,” said CC, a 56-year-old Bay Area wedding and offsite caterer, who prepared the menu for Bonobo Networks’s Memorial Day retreat. Well-cooked beans, however, get the green light, she said, noting they’re a great protein source for vegetarians.

Bridget is stricter. At her play parties, serving legumes or brassica (cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, kale, and Brussels sprouts) is not OK. “People don’t want to be gassy at the events,” she said. The same goes for anything hot. “I love spicy food, but with play parties, I dial that way back.” Rich foods, like shellfish or red meat in cream sauces, are risky. “Everyone is a little concerned about their belly,” she said, “and almost every person has junior high fears and insecurities.” Nobody wants to be bloated at the orgy.

But for every rule, there’s someone who’ll break it. “One event producer loves stinky cheese and garlic and blue cheeses, and always brings them,” said Bridget. For their events, it works, she added. “We’re conditioned to not like strong smells… but many people are really into what human bodies actually smell like. A little bit of sweat, a little of B.O., can be a real turn on.”

Every orgy has its own flavor. Some offer next-day pancake brunches. Others swear by truffle salt. And some attendees are happy as long as string cheese and chocolate-covered berries are served. Orgy food is fuel, but it’s also more than that. Sex parties place people in vulnerable states, organizers say, and the act of sharing food together helps develop a safer space and a stronger community.

At Bonobo Networks’ summertime sex pool parties, Winters likes to grill tri-tip steak and walk it around. “I feed people meat while they’re mid-coitus,” he said.

“It’s shockingly welcome.”

And because we love you, and we’re all about being helpful, here’s our suggested orgy menu, which pairs perfectly with our suggested orgy playlist.