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Can a Team Be Too Winning? Warriors and Indians, Unite!
Thursday, June 30, 2022

Can a Team Be Too Winning? Warriors and Indians, Unite!

Warriors

Dhaya Lakshminarayanan (@dhayalive) is an SF comedian, nerd and aspiring sports fan.

What an incredible few weeks in sports! 

My team, the Indians (not to be confused with the re-named Cleveland baseball organization), took back the crown in the Scripps National Spelling Bee. We lost last year to Ms. Zaila Avant-garde, an American and the first Black girl to win. We’re not sore, really. But perhaps you saw us Indians celebrating this year’s champ, 14-year-old Harini Logan, by spelling our own names to members of the media.

I apologize, as I am just coming up for air on other sports stories. It seems as if the area basketball team, The Warriors, has done something that San Francisco’s elected officials and urban planners haven’t been able to do: Bring together gentrifiers, old hippies, wannabe rappers and B-list celebrities like Owen Wilson and the Selling Sunset twins.

The Warriors had a bad first night but they’re still likely to beat Boston for the championship, which would be their 4th in recent years. They’re breaking even silly records, like becoming the seventh team in NBA history with 21 or more playoff series wins across a 10-season span.

I’m bored already. Good guys, celebrities, goofy dances and the delicious thought of snooty Bostonians crying into their already smelly harbor? Let me destroy some joy out here: Is it possible for a team to be, well, TOO WINNING?

Although Mr. Stephen Curry is paid more than the GDP of an agrarian nation ruled by a boy king, it’s ok because he’s very relatable. Your senior neighbor watching the playoffs might encourage Steph to, “Keep tryna grow that beard, son.”

Curry and Draymond “Will Decapitate a Man While Giving Back” Green are local heroes. My sources tell me these gentlemen were deep in East Oakland driving Bookmobiles and giving out Vitamin C-infused popsicles to kids with good grades. I believe it was called “C for A’s,” or something to that effect.

The Warriors have become so winning that Bay Area residents have had to reschedule birthdays and weddings. “I love you but just wait hon, as soon as the Warriors get kicked out of the playoffs, then we’ll get married.” Couples have broken up. Anniversaries canceled. A husband held off his wife’s memorial because the entire family needed to be courtside. “I can’t make it. Baby, you go up to Heaven and ask Big Poppa to shine down some love for the Blue and Gold.”

My heart goes out to fans of other sports. Poor ice hockey. When was the last time we heard anything about women’s ultimate frisbee? 

I’m all into the winning: South Asians have won practically every spelling bee title of the last 20 years! (And If some hater told me Indians “are too winning” I’d say “Go Spell Yer Mom” because I don’t have the brawn and colorful vocabulary of Charles Barkley.)

Still, as a comedian, I’ve felt the deleterious effects of the too-winning Warriors. Comedy shows are canceled when they play. Or worse, I go on stage and my punch lines are lost in a sea of furrowed brows checking scores, or drowned out by audible groans. 

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A losing local team is far better for stand-up. Boston has a great stand-up scene.

Which brings us to slogans. “Gold blooded?” I’m not a doctor, but I’ve done my own research like someone who has gotten Covid five times. Isn’t Gold Blood some kind of condition? How can one play basketball with heavy metals coursing through his veins? Only teams that are too winning can get away with this terrible wordplay. As an unknown comedian, I’d get fired.

Our beloved winning team even plays at the Chase Center, named after Chase bank, which is even worse than being named after Chase, a generic white guy. It cost over a billion dollars to construct. That’s winning. 

Steph Curry, that charming baby-face family man, dropped a commercial about crypto, and crypto is crashing harder than Michael Milken after a long day’s work in junk bonds. How many NBA players truly understand the Blockchain? And if they do, then they must have rich financial tech nerds helping them. You know, the kind of guys San Francisco is being destroyed by. For a city once known for being the most winning, shoplifting and feces are now OK, but not crypto bros. They can’t be cleaned up.

If any true-blue Gold Blooded fans read this, they’ll claim as they do with any perceived slight that my column is rigged. It’s not. I, too, love the Warriors. I also love to talk shit, which is why I have a column (let’s see for how long). When so much is tough in the world, it brings me joy to watch something inspiring and generally good. I want to cheer on someone doing something exceptional. I wish Dub Nation the best. May they spell like champions.

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