Casandra Juarez was the youngest mom by a mile at the Berkeley parent-baby yoga class. It didn’t take long for that fact to get shoved in her face.

Another mother turned to her and asked, “What kind of cream do you use? You look so young.” 

Juarez explained that she was 22.

“Oh, my God, what happened?” the other woman said. 

Juarez understood the question to be the latest version of one she faces constantly as a young mother: Was her daughter an accident? (She was planned, thank you very much.)

“That was the moment where I was like, ‘Oh, my God, it is not going to be easy finding friends,” said Juarez. “It made me feel really uncomfortable. I can tell you that I never went back.”

Being a mother is never easy. But the Bay Area’s unique demographics have made the job even harder.

Here, most women wait until their 30s or 40s before having a kid. In fact, San Francisco has the nation’s highest average age for first-time mothers: 33. Healthcare workers and parents say that’s due to the area’s status as a hotbed for career strivers, saturation with companies willing to foot the bill for fertility treatments, and a high cost of living that incentivizes waiting to have children. 

For all these reasons, women in the Bay Area who give birth in their late 30s or 40s don’t face the same stigma they might in other places.

But the high average age of mothers here has had the opposite effect for those who had kids in their 20s. Just 17% of mothers giving birth for the first time in San Francisco in 2023 were in their 20s — the lowest share of any U.S. county. Young mothers say they feel that in their everyday lives. 

Across the region, those who became mothers before 30 say their wrinkle-free faces and surplus of energy make them stick out like sore thumbs. Their youth can make it hard to make friends, or at least get respect, from the older parents of their kids’ peers.

Arrieanna Martinez married her high school sweetheart. The next step for the couple in the Central Coast town of Hollister was to have kids. “That’s just what you do,” said Martinez.

She had her son when she was 22 and her daughter when she was 25. Martinez and her husband eventually split up, and she moved to San Mateo. Upon arrival, she received a rude awakening. People were surprised to hear that the youthful Martinez had children.

Now 32, Martinez feels she’s still setting up her life; she’s taking classes for a bachelor’s degree and working as a doula. She can’t help but compare her situation to the established careers of older women whose kids are the same age as hers.

“You had your 20s to party, you got married … you built your career, and now you’re just ready to be this amazing parent,” Martinez said of the older mothers. From the outside, it looks nothing like her experience of being a “hot mess mom” still trying to figure everything out. 

“When you have that age gap, it can look like you’re not the best mom you can be compared with someone who’s able to live a slower life,” said Martinez.

Now that her kids are 7 and 10, Martinez finally feels the freedom to get a sitter and have an occasional night at the club. But this can draw side-eyes from her older peers, she says. The judgement rarely comes in the form of direct comments, but she feels the sting of passive-aggressive responses when she describes her nights out: “I wish I could do that,” she quotes older moms saying, “but I could just never leave my kids. I would feel too bad, they would miss me.” 

Similar themes emerge in conversations with other Bay Area moms who had kids in their 20s. 

When Shauna Gamble, 30, began taking her toddler to a play group with other Marin parents, she felt scrutiny. The subject of screen time came up, and Gamble volunteered that she lets her son use devices, something she relies on as a single parent. 

The other mothers weren’t unkind but did start talking about studies illustrating the negative effects of screen time. To Gamble, the underlying tone was clear: “They think they’re better parents than me,” she said. “I feel the judgment of, I kind of winged this. They have been preparing for this.”

Aubriahna Chaves, 29, remembers the moment she realized she was different from the other moms. Chaves took her first-grade daughter for a start-of-school event at Commodore Sloat Elementary in San Francisco.

“Walking into the auditorium was like, ‘OK, I don’t see anybody my age, but that’s OK,’” Chaves said. But amid that self-reassurance, another feeling welled up: that of being intimidated. 

“I feel like I need to be as well-rounded as them, but I’m just not,” Chaves said.

It’s been three years since Chaves moved from Seattle to San Francisco, but she has yet to find her footing socially.

“I haven’t made one friend to go and hang out with anytime,” she said. “I have yet to meet someone who is my age.”

Researchers have repeatedly found that raising kids can be an isolating experience, with about a third of parents experiencing chronic loneliness. Many mothers spend hours on end with nobody but their babies, leaving little time for adult socializing. As children reach elementary school age, the new cycle of class, events, sports, and other activities can present new opportunities for friendship with fellow parents.

But that’s not everyone’s experience.

Each morning, Blanca Aguilar, 28, drops her 7-year-old at school. The San Ramon resident always sees knots of parents standing around talking. She doesn’t join them.

“I don’t have nobody to chitchat with,” Aguilar said. “I feel like I will be the one who stands out because I am the youngest one. I feel like I won’t have a lot in common.”

It’s a lonely feeling. She yearns for peers in town who could recommend good doctors, summer camps, and all the other needs kids have.

“I just wish I had a community of moms who could relate to the things I’m going through,” Aguilar said.

For Martinez, that solidarity might not come from San Mateo. But at least she can always turn to her friends from back home in Hollister for a boost.

“Yeah girl, you do you, hot momma,” one friend said after she shared a tale of a night on the town. 

Juarez, for her part, is taking the long view. She thinks that her status as a young mom will keep her cool in the eyes of her daughter as she gets older. Who knows, she might even land an invite to prom, she said.

“When it’s a wider age gap, [your kid is] thinking, my parents don’t know the styles,” Juarez said. “When you’re on the younger side, you don’t have that.”