A few weeks ago, a healthy, happy baby was born in Berkeley. And when his mother, Romy Holland, announced the birth on X, a certain subset of the internet went, to put it mildly, insane.

“That baby is cursed. Praying for its soul,” went one comment on Reddit. Others called the birth “the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” 

Why were people so enraged about the birth of a child his parents deeply wanted? Because Holland met her baby’s father, a programmer whom she is engaged to marry, at a consensual “birthday gang bang” she organized for her dear friend, the internet-famous sex researcher, OnlyFans entertainer, and professional escort Aella. And because Holland had the temerity to write openly about it. 

To understand what a birthday gang bang is, first you need to know about the outspoken community of data-driven sex-positive people who abound in the Bay Area. Theirs is a deeply nerdy sex scene, with offshoots spreading to both “rationalist” and TPOT (“this part of Twitter”) communities. As part of her research, Aella compiles reams of data about her sexcapades, including gang bangs, orgies, or quests to find her own baby daddy. This week, she announced she is working as an escort to pay for the cost of freezing her eggs.

Aella’s birthday gang bang took place at a Berkeley event space in February 2024. To mark her 32nd year, the researcher asked her then-boyfriend and his then-girlfriend, Holland, to arrange for a slew of men to have sex with her. To find participants, they shared information about the gang bang widely. Afterward, Aella shared takeaways from the event — to the absolute horror of many on the internet. It went so viral that one flowchart tracking the gang bang’s participants became a meme in its own right, earning a page on the Know Your Meme website.

When she was done acting as a “fluffer,” keeping men stimulated while they waited for their turn with Aella, Holland had sex with a stranger who would soon become her partner. On Sept. 14, Holland gave birth to their baby. 

Aella announced the arrival in a quote-tweet of Holland’s birth announcement: “Ahh!! My birthday gangbang resulted in a new human!! Who says we’re not pronatalist.” 

Many misunderstood and assumed the baby had been conceived at the gang bang, though Aella attempted to clarify with follow-up tweets. Death threats soon filled Holland’s DMs. But so did well-wishers from the Bay Area polyamory scene that she, her fiance, and Aella are part of. 

Just a few weeks postpartum, I spoke to Holland about what it’s been like to have her baby born into such a whirlwind, and how surreal it has been to find love — and a monogamous relationship — in such an unlikely place. She also explains the less-than-glamorous aspects of a birthday gang bang.

This conversation has been edited for clarity and length. Warning: It gets quite graphic. But you guessed that, right?

Hi Romy, how are you doing? You’re in the crazy postpartum newborn phase.

I am so happy being a mom. It’s sort of like a different existence entirely. I feel like I’ve gone to a different planet, and it’s a better planet, richer in color and joy, but also I’m like, Wait, what was I doing up until now?

I remember the blur of those days as a new mom. But I wasn’t dealing with harassment on Twitter over my baby’s birth. Are you OK?

I’m sick of it. People hate this. I’m not shy about posting things about sex and being promiscuous, and people often respond really poorly. Mostly I just ignore it. But now everyone’s in my DMs being like, “Kill yourself, whore.” It didn’t feel personal before; this is different.

People are saying, “Oh, your son’s gonna need therapy.” I’m like, OK, my son’s probably not even gonna have any idea what a gang bang is, or ever hear about this. Plus, everyone’s pretty optimistic to think that kids are gonna be on Twitter in 15 years. Like, my son’s not gonna be on Twitter! He’s gonna be on some platform we’ve never heard of, in VR or something like that. His brain will be uploaded.

And there’s an irony to it: All these people are basically bullying me, or bullying my baby through me, and then they’re like, “Well, I’m only doing it because he’s gonna get bullied someday.” When, actually, they’re the ones bullying him.

And have you guys thought about how to tell your son how you met?

I think as he gets older, I’ll probably have some sort of intuitive sense of what is age-appropriate information. I remember when I was prepubescent, I thought most sexual things were kind of disturbing and gross. So I don’t know at what age information starts to get shared. But hopefully as my kids grow, I will know the right thing to do.

So let’s start at the beginning and correct some misperceptions up front. A lot of people are saying your baby was conceived at the gang bang — seems like they misunderstood Aella’s first tweet. But that’s not what happened? 

That’s right. I met the love of my life there. It’s very funny how many people are like, ew, oh my god, a baby was conceived at the gang bang! First of all, we had very strong birth-control measures in place. And second of all, human gestation is nine months, and the gang bang happened in February of last year.

Aella said on X that you were a fluffer at the gang bang. Walk me through your involvement.

So, the guy who I dated before I met my fiance was also dating Aella. We became instant friends. A few months into the relationship, he tells me Aella has always wanted to have a gang bang, and he asked me to help plan a birthday gang bang for her. I said of course, but only if I could also get gangbanged. It was quite the process to vet everyone and get this whole thing organized, with interviews and stuff. 

What were you screening for in the interviews, creeps?

Yeah. I mean, Aella’s had trouble with people. She had a stalker, and she had someone come to her house and try to kidnap and murder her. She has these people who just fucking hate her online. So we were trying to make sure one of those people didn’t try to get into the gang bang to disrupt things, or even worse.

What was your role at the event?

My role was organizer, and fluffer. One of around five or seven girls who were helping get the guys aroused. 

Was your fiance one of those guys? 

Yeah, he was one of the attendees. There were 42 guys who came to gangbang, and he was among the 42.

And did he bang Aella?

He sure did! 

OK, so tell me about your meet-cute with him at the gang bang.

Well, there’s a small backstory. In the months leading up to the gang bang, Aella had told me I needed to get on Twitter. So I made a Twitter, was clicking around, and found my fiance’s profile. He had a link to his website where he has all these cool projects he’s done. And I became weirdly enamored with him.

This is a twist I did not see coming.

There was just something about him, I felt like I’m supposed to know this guy. And I could see that he lives in Berkeley, where I was planning to move in a few months, so I stalked his Facebook, and he looked really cute. We had a couple of mutual friends. I even asked one about him, and he said, “Maybe you guys would be compatible. You’re both really weird.” And so I thought, OK, when I move to Berkeley, I’m gonna make this guy my boyfriend.

Did you reach out?

No, I was waiting for the right time. And then a few days before the gang bang, I was looking over the guest list, and his name’s on there! I was like, come on, it must be a different guy with the same name. People are flying in from all over the world for this thing, right? But I cross-referenced the email against this website, and it was the same guy. So I was like, oh my God, he’s gonna be there. 

But then at the actual gang bang, I completely forgot about him, because I was just so distracted. The whole thing was pretty exhilarating. There was a line of guys, and I was often being double-teamed. 

Yeah, I can see how that would be overwhelming. 

I was trying to actually get fucked by every single guy there, just because, the YOLO thing.

But at the end of the gang bang, when it all over and everyone was out in this common area singing Aella “Happy Birthday,” I realized there’s five guys here who haven’t fucked me. I was like, someone bring them to me! And then these two guys appear with my now-fiance between them, saying, “We found you some fresh meat.” And I was like, oh my God, it’s him.

This is truly unlike any “how I met your mother story” I’ve ever heard in my life. So what happened next?

So in my head, I was like, just play it cool. Is it OK if I use a fake name here? I don’t want to use his name.

Totally fine.

I’m gonna call him “Tony Hawk.” So then he enters me, and I go, “Hi, Tony Hawk, I’ve seen your website, and I have a huge crush on you. I think we should go on a date.” He just looks really taken aback and quite amused. And then he said, “Oh, OK, sure.”

I have a bunch of graphic follow-up questions. Is that OK?

Of course.

So, you’ve just had sex with a bunch of guys, and here is the man you have a crush on, and I wonder if something about the actual sex felt different?

Oh my god, yes. He was a great fit. And actually, we’ve talked about it, and he said his memory of it is, “Wow, this girl really likes how I’m fucking her.” And my memory of it was like, “Oh, yeah, OK, this is a good sign he’s good at fucking.” And he was No. 35 for me, and I was pretty sore by this point, but it’s still like, “Oh, this feels good.”

And did he come?

No, he didn’t come. Tony Hawk has excellent ejaculatory control. So of course, he came in Aella. That was the assignment.

A man who can follow instructions, we love to see it. So then the party ends. When did you go on a date?

Not for a couple of months, because I hadn’t moved to Berkeley yet and was just in town for this event. I followed up by messaging him on Twitter, and then also on a little TPOT dating app. He was kind of slow to respond. Then I saw him at a party weeks later and was like, “Hi, Tony Hawk, do you remember me? It’s Romy from the gang bang.” He said, “Yeah, Romy, I’ve seen your many messages.” I was like, oh my God, this guy thinks I’m stalking him. 

He was just getting out of a relationship. When they broke up, he messaged me. We happened to both be in New York, so we had our first date there, and it was amazing. We talked nonstop for hours and hours and hours. It was a total time warp. When the date ended, I said I wouldn’t see him for a while because I was going to Europe. But he was going to Europe that next week, too, so I flew from Spain to London and spent a week with him for our second date. We fell just completely in love, and we’ve been inseparable ever since.

And you owe it all to a gang bang. Had you ever been part of a gang bang before?

Nope, it was my first and only gang bang. I’d been to sex parties, but gang bangs are a little more rare. They are so much work, and with diminishing returns, like, after a certain point, you’re like, “I don’t actually need this.” 

Well, that’s what I was gonna ask. Aside from meeting the love of your life, was the sex part enjoyable? The men got to come, but how many times did you, or Aella?

Zero. I don’t think the girls were mostly coming at this. It wasn’t really that 

sexual. This sounds weird to say, but it was more just a really interesting experience. I did not find it to be sexy. A lot of the guys were nervous. There were a lot of flaccid penises. I felt like I was in hosting mode, just trying to make everyone feel good and relaxed, because no one’s getting a boner if they’re not relaxed.

Eesh, I can imagine that would feel like a job, almost like an assembly line.

Exactly, and I didn’t anticipate it being like that. In fact, I went in thinking I was not gonna suck any dicks. That just didn’t interest me in this setting. I love sucking dick in certain settings. But I didn’t want to suck 20 flaccid dicks, but I indeed sucked 20 flaccid dicks that night. Because there were too many men, and they were all soft. And Aella was right there, and I was like, oh my God. They were calling out, “Does anyone have a hard dick?” And then there’d be no one. And I was like, I gotta get this done. 

Oh my god. You’re a gang bang hero.

It was not a sexy environment for the men either. It’s like, there’s 40 other dudes standing around with their dicks out in these bathrobes. And, you know, there was a candy bowl of Viagra at the door, and once you get up to the front, you got two minutes to finish in her. I don’t think anyone comes well in that circumstance.

You and your fiance must laugh about this so much.

We don’t actually talk about the gang bang all that much. It’s definitely a joke, like there’ll be an opportune moment to allude to it, and it’s quite funny. But like I said earlier, I actually forget that it happened a lot of the time. You know, like, we’ve done so many things together since then that it’s just this tiny blip in our story. 

Are you guys still poly?

No. I won’t be surprised if someday we open our relationship again, but through pregnancy and postpartum and stuff, we’ve had this really intense new-relationship energy, so we’re actually monogamous. I always wanted to be a mom, and we both always wanted kids, and so we’re just really enjoying our family.