When a room full of “high performers” — startup founders, AI engineers, C-suite executives — get together to find love, the vibe is predictably awkward. But nervous chuckles soon give way to earnestness: They’re here to practice vulnerability, at least for one night.
On a cloudy Wednesday in August, 34 of the Bay Area’s most eligible singles filed into a spacious apartment in Hayes Valley. There were no appetizers or cocktails, only a pitcher of water with lemon. Attendees removed their shoes at the door but had been told to dress as if going on a first date. The rules were simple: Arrive on time and sober, and commit to being fully present. Forget swiping — at least for the next three hours.
This was Hot Feelings, the hybrid communications master class and dating mixer created by Joyce Zhang, a product manager turned dating coach for high performers. In San Francisco, where pedigrees are passports to parties and efficiency is a love language, even dating gets optimized.
“Once after just a few messages, a girl gave me her Calendly link to schedule time to chat,” one participant, the head of research at a cybersecurity firm, told the group.
Zhang kicked off with a breathing exercise. Then she handed out supplies and asked everyone to write down three things about themselves: “I challenge you to stretch 15% beyond your comfort zone.” Her example: “When I started out as a dating coach, I was single — a fact that I felt nervous to share.”
Participants walked around holding their papers in front of their chests as they quietly read others’ facts. “I feel conflicted about my spirituality,” one person had scribbled. “I don’t have a relationship with my dad,” wrote another.
“I went to high school where I was one of two nonwhite kids.”
“One day I want to live on a farm.”
“I’ve been on a journey decoupling my self-esteem from my work.”
After each activity, the group debriefed. “It was hard not to talk,” someone said. “Try to speak from ‘I,’” Zhang insisted. “I found it tough not to make it a bragging sheet,” one woman admitted. “All my life, I’ve been told to highlight my accomplishments.”
Many of Zhang’s clients are “anxious overachievers,” she says, and she can relate. Before becoming a coach, the MIT graduate, who is in her mid-30s, worked at Boston Consulting Group and Stripe. In addition to organizing events, she helps private clients, most in their 20s to 40s, find love. Her differentiator? She speaks their language: OKRs, charts, and radical candor coded in acronyms.
Zhang’s dating playbook, which she publishes on Substack, reads like an MBA in romance: Define your ICP (Ideal Counterpart Profile) using the MECE framework. Troubleshoot your four-step Hinge funnel. Fill out a Date Prep Worksheet.
“A date is a data-gathering exercise,” she writes. “Think of it like meeting a potential cofounder.” Although Hot Feelings is less about matchmaking than about developing communication skills, Zhang does hope that the right people meet. She is proud to report that one couple who met at her first event on Valentine’s Day 2024 is still going strong, and dozens more have followed.
Back in the room, the singles formed “two concentric circles”: men on the outside, women on the inside. The pairs gazed into each other’s eyes. “Imagine that you’re in love with this person,” Zhang instructed. “And they’re in love with you. What does that feel like?”
Every 45 seconds, the circles shifted, bringing everyone face to face with a new partner. Then, individuals took turns finishing sentences like, “Something I don’t want you to know about me is …” One person said, “Sometimes I feel like a burden to my friends.” Another disclosed, “Even though I have a Ph.D., I’m really not into school.”
A COO at a tech startup later said it was a rare opportunity to connect with so many people at once. A strategy lead for an NFL team grumbled that San Francisco social circles feel more closed off than those of other cities in which she has lived. She’d driven up from Santa Clara straight from work to be there — a long commute she hoped would be worth it. When asked if she’d met anyone of interest, she said, “Yes, I think so.”
Zhang conceived Hot Feelings after attending a Leaders in Tech retreat, a program modeled after Stanford Graduate School of Business’ Interpersonal Dynamics course. (Also known as the “touchy-feely” class, it has been the school’s most popular elective for 45 years running.) She felt eager to keep practicing the skills she’d learned.
“Where are all the hot people in SF who want to talk about feelings?” she wondered. Not finding them, she figured she should convene them herself. So far, she has hosted four events in San Francisco, two in New York City, and one in Boston. “I have a stronger product market fit in SF,” she says.
Admission is free, but competition is fierce; fewer than one in 10 applicants are admitted to Hot Feelings. Among Wednesday’s crowd were six Y Combinator-backed founders. But Zhang says she isn’t screening LinkedIn profiles so much as ambition. Are they willing to “do the work”? Have they reflected on their dating life? Do they feel optimistic? “Anytime I see someone write, ‘I hate dating apps,’ it’s a no-go,” she says. “Obviously everyone has had challenges, but I want to see positivity. My goal is to help people with A-plus careers achieve an A-plus relationship, too.”
Zhang herself was single in the city for five years. After burning out and shifting her mindset — from doubting whether she would find her person to believing that it was inevitable — she met her boyfriend. They’ve been together for more than a year. They met on Hinge.
“Her story resonated with me,” said the cybersecurity researcher, who first met Zhang at an AI potluck. “I’m crushing career, but I’m anxious about finding my partner, so I’m going to learn and try infinite things. Joyce is doing the same thing, but she’s ahead of me.”
Before the evening’s final hour, dedicated to mingling, attendees shared their takeaways. “I learned that I don’t know how to date!” half-joked a private-equity professional. Others agreed.
What was clear by the end of Hot Feelings is that high performers want what everyone wants: compatibility. “Dating a former pageant winner or a VP of finance or a professional ballerina — people who have maxed out in their fields — is cool,” said the head of research. “But it’s not as important as ‘Do we have fun together?’”
After all the work is done, you still need to vibe.