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Super Smash Francisco: Recasting the city’s icons as classic Nintendo characters

As San Francisco gets its own Nintendo store, we get to imagine some Donk City dopplegangers.

The image shows a large statue of a video game character dressed in red and blue, leaping with a thumbs up gesture, surrounded by oversized mushrooms and a green, twisting vine.
San Fran-tendo—the city’s icons level up as Nintendo characters | Source: Courtesy Mayor's Office

By Scott Alan Lucas and Jesse Rogala

On Friday, beloved video game company Nintendo announced it would be opening its second-ever retail store in the United States in San Francisco. (Doom loop? More like a kaboom loop!) Like many of you, we’re pretty excited. So excited, in fact, we started thinking about which San Francisco icons could play which Nintendo characters. Here, we present our scientifically unimpeachable results.

Steph Curry and Klay Thompson: Mario and Luigi

The image is split into two. On the left, two basketball players in blue Golden State Warriors jerseys walk on a court. On the right, there's Luigi in green and Mario in red.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

Obviously, the Splash Bros. are the perfect people to stand in for the Smash Bros. Steph is Mario because he is the franchise. Klay is Luigi because he’s taller. For both increasingly geriatric Warriors, the hurry-up music is playing because their time is running out.

Aaron Peskin: Donkey Kong

The image is split in half. The left shows a man with gray hair, glasses, a beard, a suit, and a patterned tie. The right shows Donkey Kong, a muscular, brown gorilla wearing a red tie.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Michaela Vatcheva for The Standard

Cantankerously throwing out obstacles, whether they are barrels, fireballs, or regulatory impediments. The original NPMBY—No Plumbers in My Backyard.

Sam Altman: Kirby

The image is split into two parts: on the left is a man wearing a green sweater, speaking, and on the right is an animated pink character with oval eyes and rosy cheeks.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Stephen Brashear/AP Photo

The pink puffball sucks up everything—enemies, blocks, entire industries—and then becomes an imitation of them. Isn’t that what ChatGPT is?

Elon Musk: Wario

The image shows a man in a suit holding a microphone beside an animated character wearing a yellow cap, yellow shirt, purple overalls, and green shoes.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

Greedy, pasty, and the villain everyone loves to hate. Heck, he even played the character on SNL!

Muni: Princess Peach

The image is split into two halves: left shows a San Francisco Muni tram labeled "Ocean Beach," and right shows Princess Peach from Mario games in a pink dress.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Jeremy Chen/The Standard

Perpetually imperiled, perpetually in need of saving. This is obviously MUNI (unless it’s BART). Thank you MTA Chief Jeffrey Tumlin, but your princess is in another castle.

The image is split in two. On the left are a smiling woman in a purple outfit and a smiling man in a suit. On the right are animated characters Zelda and Link.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

A true power couple, united in their quest to free our kingdom from the force of evil (cellphone radiation). Also—with all the items Link picks up throughout the games, isn’t it a little suspicious he never uses a vaccine? We’re just asking questions.

Mark Zuckerberg: Mr. Game and Watch

The image is split into two parts: the left shows a man in a blue shirt speaking, while the right depicts the black silhouette of a cartoonish figure holding a flag with the number 1.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

Not actually a human being, but a surprisingly effective simulation.

Brock Purdy: Yoshi

The image shows a football player in a red and gold uniform throwing a pass on the left and a cheerful, green dinosaur cartoon character (Yoshi) on the right.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

Cute, lovable, an absolute winner. 12/10—a true friend.

London Breed: Mayor Pauline

The image shows a split view: on the left, a woman in a white dress speaks into a microphone, with yellow balloons in the background. On the right, a woman in a red dress and hat stands next to a vintage microphone.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Camille Cohen for The Standard

The Mayor of New Donk City is fed up with all this bullshit, too.

Crypto Bros: Koopas and Goombas

The image features two men with Bitcoin coins as eyes on the left, and Mario characters Goomba and Koopa Troopa on the right, with a plain background.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

They’re not the brightest, but they sure are persistent. Pro tip: Jump on their heads for bonus points.

Daniel Lurie: Toad

The image is split into two halves: the left shows a man in a white shirt outdoors, and the right features Toad, a character from Mario, with a red-spotted mushroom cap.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Philip Pacheco for The Standard

Generally well-meaning yet hapless and somehow sitting on the biggest pile of golden coins in the whole Mushroom Kingdom.

Bruce Lee: Captain Falcon

The image is split, showing a shirtless man in a martial arts pose on the left and a muscular superhero in a blue and yellow costume on the right.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

Born in San Francisco, Bruce Lee allegedly had hands registered as lethal weapons. To which we reply with two words: FALCON PUNCH.

Kamala Harris: Samus Aran

The image is split in two. The left side shows a woman in professional attire with an American flag backdrop. The right side shows a futuristic armored character.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

An action hero who climbs to the top in a venue usually dominated by men and monsters (or in Donald Trump’s case, both). This has been Kamala Harris in the past—will it be her again in November?

Timothy Leary: Dr. Mario

The image has a black-and-white photo of a smiling man on the left and a colorful cartoon doctor holding a red and blue pill on the right.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

The LSD guru was not legally a medical doctor (he had a Ph.D. in psychology)—but the way he flings pills, neither was “Dr.” Mario.

Karl the Fog: Jigglypuff

The image is split into two. Left shows a tall transmission tower rising above clouds. Right features a cute, pink, round character with large blue eyes and pointy ears.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Getty Images

Go ahead, name two iconic floaters who are more beloved. We dare you.

Bippers: Nabbit

The image has two parts: on the left, a car's side window with shattered glass, and on the right, a cartoon character resembling a purple rabbit with a large yellow sack.
Source: Courtesy Wiki Commons; photo by Jeremy Chen/The Standard

Don’t look now, but they just stole the laptop you left in your car. Game over.

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Filed Under

Aaron PeskinBippingDaniel LurieElon MuskGolden State WarriorsKamala HarrisLondon BreedMark ZuckerbergMuniUnion Square