Salesforce sells weird merch at its conference. And yes, people buy it

Dreamforce 2023 was filled with some 40,000 people—and a million more acronyms and bits of technobabble that sounded more like a robot-inflected foreign language than anything else.

Take Salesforce co-founder Parker Harris’ opening remarks, for example:

“When that prompt is getting built, and you’ll see some really cool technology of how we dynamically do that, we’ll do the secure data retrieval from the CRM system from the data cloud. We’ll do dynamic grounding, because we want this process to be really relevant at the point that you’re using that LLM.”

Try and fit that on a T-shirt.

“Your head is probably spinning a little bit,” said Patrick Stokes, a Salesforce marketing VP who spoke at the event’s opening address Tuesday. “We have to learn some new terms so we can get some headspace around how this all works.” 

In The Standard’s role as intrepid translators of the hard-to-explain, our reporters tried to make sense of the strangest Dreamforce merch on sale.

Is your love language giving gifts? We still probably wouldn’t suggest this as an early Christmas present. In any case—as one of our colleagues recently found out—dating an AI boyfriend doesn’t come with any promise that he won’t turn out to be a digital douchebag.

For those not in the know, Cotopaxi is the brand of choice for techies these days—sorry Patagucci. 

This branded hoodie took the cake for the priciest piece of Dreamforce merch. Although the Salesforce logo printed on the arm appears to drive a $25 upcharge from the same hoodie sold directly by the manufacturer. I guess harmonizing your data is priceless. 

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You want a speckled cream mug for when you’re hiking, but you simply must let everyone know you’re actually a coder, bro. Or, more accurately, an effective user of a low-code sales platform. CRM stands for “customer relationship management,” essentially what Salesforce helps solve with its software. Why it’s necessary to list on a coffee cup is an open question only CRM pros can answer.

Old MacDonald had a farm, and all the babies on it knew how to code before they could walk. Slip your tot into this onesie and immediately feel the power of generative AI coursing through their veins. Or something. 

For the tech-savvy sailors among us, Salesforce produced a navy blue, flat-billed cap, complete with white rope detailing. I guess a lot of Dreamforce folks have boats?

I bet you didn’t know that Slack was actually an acronym that stood for this collection of words—neither did I. What’s better than a physical reminder that your work chats are very not private?

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I mean, c’mon.