Poopy diapers, private jets: The real lives of elite Silicon Valley nannies

The perks of nannying for high-net-worth Bay Area families sound dreamy: a salary that can run north of $250,000, with full benefits; the opportunity to be whisked away on a private jet or yacht; support from other household staff — housekeepers, private chefs, chauffeurs — so you can focus exclusively on the little ones. (Often, little “one,” since many families hire a nanny for each child.)

However, reality can be messier than a toddler’s toy room. Yes, there’s typically an unlimited budget for activities, free lodging, and the chance to mingle with the rich and famous. But the tradeoffs might include NDAs, giving up your phone, and being treated like dirt. As tech moguls amass wealth and the cost of living soars, the gulf between what the upper crust and regular families can afford keeps growing — and sometimes, so does the awkwardness.

The Standard spoke with seven former nannies and owners of private agencies to learn what it’s really like to work with elite Silicon Valley families. (Since one of the tenets of child-care providers is discretion, no nannies agreed to talk to us about current customers.) 

“These clients have extraordinary lives, and they’re paying you extraordinarily,” said Carolane Smiley, a former nanny and founder of L’Agence Private Staffing. “You have to be able to anticipate their needs, read the room, and roll with the punches.”

One sought-after position is for rotational nannies (known in the industry as ROTA providers). These jobs involve round-the-clock child care for several weeks, followed by a few weeks of vacation. They typically pay the most — a six-figure annualized salary, plus overtime — and often include travel to vacation homes on Lake Tahoe or ritzy destinations like Saint-Tropez or Abu Dhabi. 

But a month on a megayacht or two weeks in Tahiti are often more exhausting than working with children at home, given the jet lag and changes in routine. The glamour of a private jet can fade when you’re frantically trying to calm a restless toddler with a potty emergency as the parents sip Champagne. 

“You have to be able to not skip a beat and make sure that the kiddo is regulated and happy during that transition,” said Nanny Village founder Marquis Skold. That may mean battling your own tiredness with a smile and handling tantrums before they ruin a family’s perfectly posed vacation photo. 

“The nanny isn’t on the beach drinking a mai tai with her friends; she’s hanging out with a toddler in a sandy diaper,” said Rebecca Stewart, founder of VIP Nannies. 

Put another way, you might be “on the front of a yacht, watching the sun set over an island that only 1,000 people in the world have ever even seen, but you’re one crying baby away from being totally back to work,” according to Shenandoah Davis, CEO of Adventure Nannies. 

Nannies may be getting a once-in-a-lifetime experience — having dinner at the White House or taking in the Olympics from the front row — but it’s the client’s vacation, not theirs. 

“That kind of balance requires a really high emotional intelligence,” Davis said. “You need to be able to intuit, or very gently ask, when a parent wants to have alone time with their kids and when they want you to step in.” 

A Bay Area nanny job listing can read like a matchmaker’s detailed dossier, with a laundry list of desired background experiences, skills, and extracurriculars. 

Clients often want their nanny to have a degree in childhood development, behavioral therapy, education, or pediatrics, as well as training in a specific child-rearing philosophy, like Reggio Emilia, Waldorf, Montessori, or Norland. Polyglots are preferred, as are nannies who can play (and teach) musical instruments or keep up with family hobbies like skiing or horseback riding. 

And while Silicon Valley parents tend to be even more militant than most about limiting their children’s screen time, some do value computer skills. 

“We worked with one family who has a 5-year-old who’s really obsessed with coding and so was looking for a nanny who knows Python and could help their kid make a travel blog,” Davis said.  

Sometimes nannies report more bizarre requirements. One crunchy granola Bay Area mom had impractical standards around her child following a “clean” lifestyle.  

“She refused to use anything but a French brand of organic cotton diapers,” Smiley said. That became a problem as the kid started wetting the bed, a situation for which the delicate diapers were not well-equipped. 

The mom forbade using a different diaper brand or even Aquaphor to protect the kid’s skin, citing its “toxicity,” but got irate when the child had a rash. 

Stewart remembers one client who required her team of nannies to don Lululemon workout gear exclusively. “She’d pay for the clothes, so they could chase and run around with the children,” she said. Generally, though, athleisure or casualwear is frowned upon by high-net-worth clients: “Nannies should be thinking J.Crew, not Motley Crue.”    

Upfront requirements about nannies’ appearance can be a red flag, according to Smiley. She ended up cutting ties with a potential client who was “not looking for someone who is old, or fat, or ugly, or doesn’t know how to dress.” Disgusted, she wished them luck on their search but archly said that a modeling agency might provide a better fit.

Most Bay Area families that can shell out six-figure salaries for multiple nannies have careers connected to tech. This comes with a specific set of challenges. 

“The privacy and the safety concerns for their kids end up being a much bigger deal than they would be for a Kardashian or for a movie star or an athlete,” said Davis. After all, blackmailing the leader of a major tech platform could have major political or social repercussions.

For families in positions of power, “their huge vulnerability point is going to be their children,” she added, which means that potential nannies must go through intense vetting and training. That could involve having a private investigator interview family members or past roommates, or being told to take a firearm safety class as part of onboarding. Sometimes nannies are barred from using their personal phones at work, because they could get hacked and reveal a family’s location. 

“It can be really intimidating,” Davis said. “It’s a level of responsibility that almost no one ends up having in any other job they’ll work in their entire life.” 

Many tech titans didn’t grow up rich and don’t have the experience of being raised by a nanny themselves, which can lead to rocky client-caretaker relationships. As one provider put it: “Old money has manners, while new money needs to learn them.” 

Denise Collins, whose grandmother started Aunt Ann’s In-House Staffing in San Francisco in the late 1950s, says the best clients treat their nannies like they’re part of the family — because they essentially are. The worst ones can be cold, with exacting standards and zero tolerance for a perceived lack of deference to their schedules. 

“People are fired because they say they want a night off or a day off. People are told they can’t go to a funeral,” she said. “That’s a small percentage of employers, but it does happen.” 

She recalls with horror situations in which families terminated a child-care provider without giving them a chance to say goodbye. “That can do damage to the children, because this has been the key person in their life,” she said. 

More often, though, a well-placed nanny will stay with a family for a decade or more. They’ll form deep relationships with the kids but must also work well with other members of the staff, like the chef, housekeeper, or governess. In some cases, they’ll get promoted through the ranks as the children grow up.

“Because some of our clients are founders, they know that when you find a good person, you just want to keep them with you for as long as possible,” said Davis. “They’re looking for someone who, after their newborn gets to high school, can then move into a role at the family office or help with legacy planning or their philanthropic efforts.”  

Nannying often comes at the expense of one’s personal life. ROTA nannies, especially, live on-site, typically in a guesthouse, which means it doesn’t make sense for them to have their own family, pets, or even houseplants.

“At the end of the day, you have to have the mindset that it’s all about the family, and it’s not about me,” said Dara Yates, a former nanny and the founder of Seaside Staffing. In return for sky-high Bay Area salaries, you need to be ready to “meet at the tarmac in two hours,” even if it’s technically your day off. “People pay for someone’s level of flexibility.” 

To be successful as a nanny also requires knowing when to take the reins and when to disappear. Parents are offloading most of their child’s care but may want the nannies to scatter when they enter the room. “But these are human beings, not cockroaches,” Smiley said. 

To be fair, sometimes being ignored is better than the alternative. As many tech employees continue to work from home at least several days a week, micromanagement has become a common complaint among nannies. “You can’t be looking for validation, because you’ll never get it,” Smiley said. 

“Sometimes you have to give them grace and just pray that they reach emotional maturity,” she said, making sure to note she was referring to the parents.